Labors Of Crichton

Author: Nora Hogan
E-mail: nnhogan@ucdavis.edu
Time period: Right after Rhapsody In Blue
Disclaimer: All characters, except the TeNii and the Candarians, are the property of Henson, yada yada. The plot, the TeNii and the Candarians are mine, mine, mine. Any resemblence to the humor of Farscape is purely intentional.

Crichton was running like he had never run before. Sweat was pouring down his back and his lungs burned from overexertion. His legs were pumping, pushing him forward as he rounded the corner.

"Now Rygel, NOW!"

Rygel dropped the net from his position above them. D'Argo, Zhaan and Aeryn threw ropes around the prey, pulling them tight. As the Kratak struggled against the restraints, Annika maneuvered for a good position. Using a reed like a pea shooter, she blew the Plintak lozenge down the creature’s throat. As she was backing away, trying to avoid claws, fangs and quills, the Kratak released several of its quills into her chest. She screamed in pain.

"John, you must pull the quills out right away," yelled Zhaan. The beast was not yet unconscious.

Crichton could barely breathe, but he crawled over to the tiny alien. Removing the quills he asked, "What next?"

" Suck the venom out. You have to get it out of the wound so it doesn't travel to her brain."

"Why do I think you did this on purpose?" he growled. He drew the venom out and spit, until the wound was clean.

By now, the Plintak lozenge had worked it's magic and the Kratak was slumbering. Zhaan rushed over. When she was sure that Annika was stable, she turned her attention to Crichton. "John, are you all right? I thought the creature had you. I seriously questioned the decision to use you as "bait", but I must say, you ran very fast."

"No problem, Blue. I just pretended that Warren Sapp was after me and ran like hell."

Aeryn was scowling. "Whoever that is Crichton. We'll have to remember that in the future. Crichton hides well and he makes great "bait"."

Rygel started to laugh at the barb but stopped abruptly when D'Argo growled.

"You did well, John," said the Luxan. "And now we have completed our third task. Let's drag this disgusting animal back to Caladar."

It was dark outside and the others had all gone back to their rooms. Every muscle in Crichton's body ached, not so much from the running, but from the stress of the last three days. Had it really only been three days, he mused? And it had only been six days since Annika had entered his life. He looked down at her. Small, pink and sleeping like a child. He stroked the soft golden hair and was angry that he felt so much tenderness towards her.  "FRELL!" he said out loud and went back to his room.  He lay there remembering.......

It started with a very real dream of Dorian Clare. They had dated the summer of his junior year in college. It wasn't just the sex that had seemed so real in the dream. It was the long conversations that they had shared. His childhood and family. Great dialogues about the Three Stooges, Monty Python, Ghostbusters and Mel Brooks films. His plan to enter the astronaut program. She absorbed everything he told her, sometimes laughing until she cried. He felt content with her. When he made a joke, or a humorous reference, she got it. He so loved that she got it.

When he woke from the first dream, he was surprised to find that he had slept twelve arns. He was so fed up with everyone on Moya, he thought he would go mad. Everything that happened seemed to be his fault and they constantly chided him about it. Maybe what he had needed was some quality rest, he thought. But then he dreamt again the second night, this time sleeping fourteen arns.  He was concerned that the dreams were so real. And, he was looking forward to sleep. That just wouldn't do.

During the third night was when he finally caught her. He'd given DRD "little blue" an order to wake him six arns into the sleep cycle. He remembered her surprise that he was conscious and the panic in her eyes. "Who are you and what the frell are you doing in my bed?"

"Please don't hurt me, I didn't do anything bad to you. I was under the impression that you enjoyed our encounters. You were certainly enthusiastic."

He was jarred back to the present when he heard her in the next room. Quietly entering the room, he heard her crying. Man, why couldn't he stay mad at her? She had been wrong, wrong, wrong. Grumbling to himself he lay next to her.

Spooning is what his Grandmother MacDougal would have called it.

"I feel so sick and I'm freezing. Please hold me close."

He pulled her close to him.

"Closer."

He held her tightly to him.

"Closer!"

"Any closer and I'd be in front of you! OK, that was a perfect setup for a Groucho Marx gag. You can't be that sick if you're doing Groucho shtick," Crichton said laughing.

"I really am sick, but I couldn't pass that up. Besides, I made you laugh!"

"No, you're just hoping you can make me forget that I'm mad at you!"

She was quiet for a few moments when she said softly "Did it work?"

He growled, nuzzling her hair. She slowly turned toward him, looking up into his eyes. "Can I take that as a yes?"

He tried SO hard to look stern, but just couldn't pull it off. She wrapped her arm around his waist, burying her face in his bare chest. Her breathing became quiet and regular. She was sleeping peacefully. Yeah, you can take that as a yes, he thought.

He woke the next morning to the sound of Annika in the shower. He thought of the water running over the soft pink skin, with its golden iridescence. And the golden hair. Not blonde, but golden. In every other way, she looked like a human woman. Well, except for the little pointy ears. She had explained that her race was called the TeNii. "The closest thing that I think you would relate to would be a pixie."

"So can you perform magic, cast spells, grant me wishes? Look Rocky. Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" he joked.

"Oh Bullwinkle, you know that trick never works! Seriously John, I can't do any of those things. I can change my molecular structure due to a chip that was implanted into me. That's how I appeared as Dorian."

She and the rest of the TeNii were slaves, owned by the Candarians, and the ability to change her appearance was controlled by her owner, Caladar. In truth, he had to admit most of his anger was towards her owner. He had sent her, told her to invade his mind, learn all she could about him and invade his body. He'd felt violated. Well I'll show them, he thought. John Crichton is NOT easy! Yeah, right. Who was he kidding? He was a guy, and therefore, easy.

Maybe she needed someone to wash her back........

"It's about time you two showed up! What the frell do you think this is, a pleasure planet?"

"Good morning to you too, Aeryn. Did everyone sleep well?"

"Very funny Crichton. Who knows what we face next and you make jokes."

"Please Aeryn, stay calm. So far, we've done well. Our first task was to collect the Eachak fruit and we did that," soothed Zhaan.

"And masterfully according to MY plan. Caladar said the fruit couldn't be touched by hands or dropped on the ground because it bruises so easily. D'Argo and I held the big sheet of leather, Annika used it as a trampoline, jumping up and cutting the stem. Sparky hovered below the fruit on his throne sled and caught it gently in his caftan." Crichton was very proud of his plan.

"At great personal risk, I might add!" Rygel sulked. "The leaves of the Eachak tree

burn the skin like acid. I could have been permanently damaged!"

"Well, you weren't Buckwheat. "

"I thought the second task was fun," from Annika.

" You thought it was FUN? We wouldn't be in this frelling situation if it wasn't for you TeNii!" Aeryn's anger flashed.

"Whoa! May I remind you that she doesn't have to help us, she volunteered. And it's Caladar that's been pulling all the strings and pushing all the buttons, so back off," Crichton countered.

The little alien stepped back a few steps and mumbled "It could have been worse."

"It certainly could have," agreed Zhaan. "And I thought it was fun, too. We chased down a herd of squealing, slippery Fellips. Wrestled them down, rinsed them off and milked them for their nectar. There was nothing dangerous in that, it was just muddy. "

"It was humiliating and NOT becoming a warrior," grunted D'Argo.

"C'mon D. Most of your Fellips just stopped and gave it up like Heidi Fleiss. We were the ones doing the chasing and getting muddy."

Crichton continued. "The thing I don't get is the tasks we've been given. We ARE this cat's e-bay. So far we've got rare fruit. Fellip Nectar. And finally the Kratak, which will end up as one big honey baked ham. He'd save us a lot of trouble if he'd just dial up Round Table Pizza."

A thunderous voice boomed from nowhere. " TIME TO ASSEMBLE! COME TO THE GREAT HALL!"

"Man, I HATE that! Why can't he just use a phone like everyone else? You know, reach out and touch someone, not scare the crap out of them."

Four days ago they had seen him for the first time. The Candarian was at least 25 feet tall, sitting on a huge platform. His body was massive and soft. The texture and color reminded Crichton of Silly Putty. Extending out of the body were six arms, supported on pedestals. Each pedestal was equipped with a control panel . The whole affect was the Pillsbury Doughboy meets Jabba the Hutt. With VERY BIG TEETH.

Now, they stood in the same place as the wall split in two and separated, revealing Caladar.

"For your final task, tomorrow you will travel to Nemean Peak. At dawn, you will kill the Creylon and bring it back to me," thundered Caladar.

"Nooooooooooo!" screamed Annika. At the push of a button, he had enveloped her in something that resembled a small tornado, lifting her. Crichton and D'Argo both ran towards her yelling simultaneously. "Stop it, you're suffocating her."

He released the TeNii and she fell to the ground, gasping for air.

"Let me remind you, inferior beings, that this lowly slave is mine. I can end her life any time I choose. And I can also end YOUR pitiful lives. Do not cross me!"

The wall slid in front of him, leaving the six of them alone. This time, they weren't afraid, they were angry.

"What the frell is a Creylon and why were you terrified?" Aeryn had Annika by the throat. "Aeryn, knock it off! Blimpie just about killed her, do you want to finish her off?" said Crichton, trying to pull her off. "ENOUGH!" yelled D'Argo and zapped her with his tongue, knocking her out.

"Dude, that's a great trick, just like Spock's Vulcan Grip. But she's gonna be pissed when she wakes up."

"Too bad. That's all we need is for her to kill the TeNii before we even find out what a frelling Creylon is. Now let's go back to our quarters where we can think and plan."

They had talked and planned for several arns. Actually, they'd argued a great deal. A Creylon is a large bird with three heads that breaths fire. Just dandy, he thought, I'm living in Ray Harryhausen land. It was Annika who said "Think John, go back to your Greek Mythology." And that's when it hit him. They were living the Labors of Hercules and this was his Hydra.

Seven days ago, they had been buying food when he had made an innocent comment. How could he know that the market place was bugged?

"Crichton, you are bizarre. You make ridiculous, obscure references that no one understands and then get upset because we don't understand you."

"No Aeryn, I don't get upset because no one understands me. I get upset because no one even TRIES to understand me. I have to learn your customs, you ways. And everything always has to be your way. Always! And for your information, those obscure references are my coping mechanism!"

"Well, it's not working, is it? Because you're not coping! You're angry all the time and I'm sick of all the human nonsense." She stomped off in the opposite direction signaling that the discussion was over. "Just once, once, I'd like someone who got what I said! Who got me! Is that too much to ask?" he said to the very puzzled TeNii around him.

And there it was. The innocent thing that he had said. The debt. Caladar had sent Annika to grant his wish, and therefore expected payment. It did console him that she had come to care for him and was helping. He sighed. He was so tired. Tired of struggle, of running, and of feeling alone. Well, I don't have to be alone right now, do I? he thought.

"Ohhhh Tinkerbellll, where are youuuuuuu? Daddy's got a present......"

She laughed. "I'm in the bedroom and I already know what's in your pocket, John!"

"Aw c'mon, baaa-by."

"John, where are you going?" asked Annika. "Stay, please?"

"I can't, Pinkie. I promised Zhaan I would go with her to check out the local flora

for her apothecary. When we get out of this, we can take the plants back to Moya." By her reaction he knew something was wrong.

"Caladar will let us go, right?"

"Yes, of course.” But she was shaking her head "NO" .

Great, even this room was bugged. He whispered "Don't worry." Then, out loud, "Get some rest and I'll be back for evening meal."

They left the next morning before dawn, Zhaan staying behind, unwell. Traveling by torch light up the hill, Aeryn suddenly became very talkative. To Annika. Crichton thought it was peculiar and just a little spooky.

"... and then John thought I could just transform myself into Gena, Warrior Princess..."

"That's Xena. XENA, Warrior Princess!" he grumbled.

"Who is this Xena? If she's a warrior, I would like to meet her." Aeryn was clearly intrigued.

"She's not real, she's fiction," answered Annika."They have something called TV on Earth. And John, if you would turn up the volume in your brain, I would have known that it was XENA. Aeryn, there is a whole section in his brain dedicated to just TV. Only some of it has very low volume and is difficult to understand. Like something called Babe Watch...."

"That's BAYWATCH!" He yelled.

"Then turn up the FRELLING VOLUME!" she yelled back. D'Argo and Rygel were clearly amused. "I'm not sure of the plot of this show BAYwatch,

but apparently they suffer from a tear in the time continuum, because the females all run very slowly," Annika said with authority.

"That's SLO-MO." He was laughing until he realized they had all stopped and were staring at him. He gave up listening to the conversation. Annika may understand the jokes, but she didn't get Slo-mo. Of course not, she's a chick. And of course the volume was low on Xena and Baywatch. You don't need dialogue on those shows. Every guy knows that.

They finally reached top. The Creylon was sleeping, loud noise rumbling in it's throat. Yep, he was in Harryhausen land and that was one big critter. Crichton and Aeryn were equipped with large machetes and D'Argo had his Qualta Blade. Tinkerbell and Rygel had torches they were about to light. Their nerves were on edge and the quiet was overwhelming. Quiet? When had it gotten quiet? They all realized at once that the sleeping sounds of the Creylon had stopped. As they turned toward it, the heads began to rise from the body.

"NOW!" yelled D'Argo.

Each sword holder took a head, keeping its attention, staying out of reach of the flames, lobbying for position. Rygel, on his throne sled, was poised with a torch. Annika too, was ready to strike. It was a dangerous and dramatic dance. D'Argo was first to strike, severing one of the heads. Annika sprang forward instantly, searing the carcass where the head had been. While the bird was stunned, Crichton leapt forward severing the second head. Where was Rygel? "Fluffy, where the hell are you?" Before Rygel could get there, another head sprang from the stump. FRELL!

Zhaan was standing outside the Great Hall. Praying to her goddess, she took on the appearance of her surroundings, invisible to the eye.

She heard the TeNii approach and her heart broke at the sight of them. They were beaten down and completely submissive. She entered with them, unseen, weaving her way through the long corridor and through the inner door.

Now she must wait.

With difficulty, they had severed the other two heads. If the torch wasn't applied immediately, another head sprang up.  The beast was dead. They were scratched, burnt, dirty, sweaty and exhausted.

"Man can you believe THAT? Sparky, how's your ass?"

"Singed, thank you very much!"

"OK guys, let's get Big Bird down the hill. "

Rygel led on his throne sled, navigating the easiest path. D'Argo and Aeryn followed, holding the front end of the canvas. John and Annika brought up the rear, holding the back of the canvas. All the way down the hill, they talked and laughed about the Stooges, Blazing Saddles and now, Monty Python.

"What are they talking about now?" asked Aeryn.

"Something about using fruit as a weapon, and then something about a dead parrot. How the hesmana can you use fruit as a weapon? And what's a parrot?" D'Argo wondered.

"But it's dead!" said Crichton.

"It's not dead, it's just resting! Hellloooooo, Polly!" Annika responded.

"It's dead, dead, dead. Would I be pounding it on the counter if it were alive?"

Then they gave way to hysterical giggling.

"Can't we just tell them to shut up?"

"Be patient. We might not be here if we'd just shown more patience with John. Besides, they can't go on much longer," reasoned D'Argo.

"You said that an arn ago," wailed Aeryn.

They pulled the carcass in front of the dividing wall.

"Hey Big Fat Ugly Dude! We're back! Come out, come out, wherever you are."

The wall divided, displaying an angry Candarian. Annika stepped back, anxious.

"You speak to me in this manner? How DARE you?" he raged.

"Let's just say I dare. I am sick of your crap. You made a big mistake messin' with a Southern boy. Hey TeNii, come see who your big bad tormentor REALLY is!"

Caladar was furious, screaming obscenities. The TeNii trembled in terror.

"Hey Caladar, do you like the color blue? I do. I sent you a present, hope you like it. Now, Zhaan!”

Caladar's head swiveled, his face registering shock. " What are you doing? Nooooooo!" he screamed. There was a flash of blue, pedestals knocked down, Caladar slumping to the side and then…… nothing. They realized he had never been there. In his place there remained a large viewing screen, now blank.

"What you have just witnessed, boys and girls, is the Magical Mystery Tour, Smoke and mirrors! The not-so-Great Houdini! Follow me to the great and powerful OZ!" He led them through the side door and down the corridor, finally reaching Caladar's chamber. Zhaan held the small, impotent creature at arms length.

"That is what has enslaved us for centuries? THAT??" With a primal, gut wrenching scream, Annika struck the creature, sending it smashing into a wall. It fell to the floor, inert.

"I understand your rage my dear, but do not allow yourself to be consumed by hate," Zhaan pleaded.

"How did you know, Zhaan?" asked Aeryn.

"Actually, Crichton figured it out."

Crichton launched into his theory. "How come we never saw this dude out of the Great Hall? How come the need to bug every area where people gathered? And what were all those control panels? Then I got it. Light bulb over the head. Dorothy, we're not in Kansas anymore! It was simple! Wizard of Oz! " He looked around the room, feeling triumph in his logic. He could tell they were still trying to put the pieces together. Plenty of time for that later. "Right now, we should probably concentrate on disabling the electronics that are harmful. Zhaan, you and I will take that. D'Argo, Aeryn and Rygel head to the compound and release all the prisoners. " He turned back to Annika. "I need you to be very strong now. You need to organize the TeNii. They must have direction or they will be lost. Can you do that?" She nodded solemnly and set out.

They had worked hard, tearing out the bad and trying to rebuild that which was salvageable. The Moya group would be leaving in the morning.  The TeNii had already begun to prepare foodstuffs to load on to Moya to thank their liberators.

Aeryn approached him slowly. He rarely saw her look vulnerable and was perplexed. "Crichton, will the TeNii be OK? And what about Annika?"

"Yes, they will be fine. From what I understand, each colony is set up like a feudal system. One Candarian as a feudal lord and thousands of TeNii filling the role of serfs. Pinkie has gathered the elders together to set up a government. She also organized the young and healthy, who will work to free the TeNii in other colonies."

Aeryn finally looked him full in the face. "So, she will be staying? I thought you would want her to come on board Moya. I know you are fond of her."

"No Aeryn. This is her home and her people need her. I do care for her. But that is the joy of being human. We care for a variety of people in a lot of different ways." He was watching her face, trying to read her response. He wanted so much to know her.

"Very well, please wish her success. I think I'll turn in now. Good night."

He watched her walk back to her room.

"I think she care's a lot for you." Annika, behind him.

"No, she's just...Whoa. Good golly, Miss Molly! I see you can change your appearance at will, again."

"Now that Caladar's control is gone." She walked toward him. Tall, tan, long auburn hair and emerald green eyes; Dorian Clare.

"What's this?" he asked, frowning.

"I thought you liked this form. I wanted to please you on your last night here."

He laughed, shaking his head. "Turn back into Annika. Please?"

Puzzled, she did as he asked.

"Oh Tinkerbell!" He pulled her forward.

"I”..kiss forehead.. "like".. kiss nose .."you".. kiss chin.. "just the way you are."

He kissed her on the lips. His head snapped back. "Hey, I taste chocolate! How did you do that?"

"Chocolate is made of molecules, isn't it?" she said giggling. "Come along, my little zipper neck," leading him to the bedroom.

He followed and had to laugh. Chocolate, sex and a Young Frankenstein reference. It just doesn't get better than that.

The End