Fanfiction: The Trouble With Toupees

The Trouble With Toupees

Author: PseudoSebacean (aka Ron Jones)
Rating: PG (For immature adults only)
Disclaimer: This play features characters from the TV shows "Farscape" and "Star Trek" and lines from the songs "I Touch Myself," by the Divinyls, and "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds," by the Beatles. Neither the characters nor the lyrics are my own creation. And I have made no money from this work. Not a darn thang!
Summary: Crichton and crew have a hair-raising experience with Captain Kirk and some baddies.

Cast:
Aeryn
Chiana
Crichton
D'Argo
Pilot
Stark
Commandant Grayza
Harvey
Alien Trader/Minister Akhna/Shannen Doherty

Scene: On board Moya in Command

****

(A robed and hooded ALIEN TRADER, carrying a BOX, follows CHIANA into Command. They are both laughing.)

CHIANA

The lingerie's frelling great! This should wake up D'Argo.

TRADER

Well, I try to please. (Snickers) Laugh it up, friend.

CHIANA

And the Ulzama perfume -

(Chiana opens the bottle and sniffs. She almost swoons with delight.)

CHIANA (CONT.)

Ummmmmmm! So kemperish!

TRADER

A thousand thanks for allowing me to visit the legendary Moya. Impressive female ship.

CHIANA

No prob! Like a tour?

TRADER

Ah, maybe later. Now what about these? (Trader shakes the box.)

CHIANA

Dunno. What are they again?

TRADER

They're called Roddenberries. Furry, fashionable hats. They're perfect for those long, cold trips through space. Perfect for your friends. And this one here - it just screams to be placed on Crichton's head.

(Chiana's eyes gleam. She snatches the box.)

CHIANA

Okay! Deal! How much?

TRADER

I'll give them to you for a free tryout. If your friends like, I'll charge you half-price. If they no like, just return them. Ah, no! I'm not charitable. Just a smart business trader. If Moya's crew wears MY hats -

CHIANA

You can double or triple your price because wherever we wear 'em, we'll be like a free ad for your products. Zazzy!

TRADER

Yes, indeed. Excuse me, I must return to my transport pod for rest. Enjoy!

(Chiana happily peers into the box. The Trader smirks and exits.)

STARK (O.S.)

Help! Someone help!

(STARK enters, his arms filled with videotapes. He looks crazed and lost - in other words, normal.)

CHIANA

What's wrong now?

STARK

These - tapes! I've been watching these Earth tapes and they're frightening. They have these "shows" with people revealing strange things about their lives. Horrible! Here's one called "Crossing Over." It's run by someone who's never crossed over! He couldn't even cross a road! And, and, and here's another one! It's about giant dangerous stupid worms in some desert town. And the people STAY in the frelling town despite these predators!!!

CHIANA

Oh, get over it! They're just make-believe.

STARK

And, and, and then there are these strange, terrifying little short "shows." They're always touting soap, food, boxes of things, food, drugs, food, food, food! And then there's a really, really bad one with a guy name Shi-shi-Shatner. And it's called Priceline, or something, and he does a singing-talking thing that's -

CHIANA

Stark! Shut up and chill out! Okay?

STARK

Uh, okay! Okay! (Stark starts mumbling Banik curses at the tapes.)

CHIANA

Boy, those Scarrans really yotzed you up when they stuck you in that box! And for you, that's saying something.

(Stark stops cursing and slinks into a corner. He plops the tapes on a table and sifts through them. Chiana goes over to the CLAMSHELL and taps it.)

CHIANA

Pilot? Hey, Pilot!

PILOT (O.S.)

Yes, Chiana

CHIANA

Clamshell's still busted. Can't see you at all.

PILOT (O.S.)

The DRDs are repairing the visual communications. It should be operational ... soon.

CHIANA

Well, anyway, thanks again for helping me regain my eyesight -

PILOT (O.S.)

You're welcome, again. I was glad I could aid you.

CHIANA

I've got a little thank-you gift for ya. And I'll be right down with it. (Chiana, giggling, exits with the box. A pensive CRICHTON and an irritated AERYN enter, followed by D'ARGO.)

AREYN

(To Crichton)

Well, happy frelling birthday!

CRICHTON

I'm sorry! Okay? Just in a bad mood.

AERYN

About what? Being just a cycle older?

D'ARGO

John, you should be worried about other things, like that strange ship shadowing us.

CRICHTON

Hey, I'm just ... just ...

AERYN

Just what? Worried about being engaged? The baby?

CRICHTON

No! No! You and the baby are the best things that have happened to me! It's just, well, when we buy that single-family alien sphere in the Suburban Sprawl Galaxy, what'll I do? What kind of career will I have? Wormhole rancher?

STARK

Maybe you could be a consultant on wormholes and traverse the Uncharted Territories and get in and out of hard-to-believe fixes and ...

D'ARGO (Irritated)

Look, John, take my advice. Forget about it today. It's your birthday. Enjoy it while you can. The end!

CRICHTON

Yeah, I know. It's just, I dunno, sometimes I wish I was somebody different. Somebody more -

AERYN (Laughs warmly)

Well, I'm glad you are who you are. And besides, you were once me, remember?

CRICHTON

"Oh, mama!" Oh, yeah, I remember those bad girls!

D'ARGO

And you were Rygel, remember?

CRICHTON

Oh, yeeech!

D'ARGO

That reminds me - (He taps his comms) Pilot!

PILOT (O.S.)

Yes, Captain Ka D'Argo?

D'ARGO

Rygel and Noranti are still shopping on the commerce planet. How much longer before Moya is finished repairing herself?

PILOT (O.S.)

About two arns.

D'ARGO

Good, I'll call Rygel in a half arn and Noranti in an arn. Rygel's been at the all-you-can-eat restaurants for a solar day. He should be done ... I hope.

(Chiana enters and bounces up to Crichton. She holds out the box and jumps up and down like a 5-year-old.)

CHIANA

Hey, Johnny-Boy! Happy birthday! Take a look!

(Crichton reaches for the box but Chiana pulls it away.)

CHIANA

No, wait! Close your eyes! I'll put the best one on you!

CRICHTON

Whoa, Pip! What have you got there? A gag gift?

CHIANA

Don't be silly, Silly! It won't hurt you! C'mon, close yer eyes!

AERYN

I've found in the past four cycles on board Moya that "It won't hurt you" will definitely hurt a lot!

D'ARGO

And I thought we were going to give the presents after we left the orbit of this hezmanna of a planet!

CHIANA (Stamping her feet)

Will you all shut up? Now John, please, just close your eyes. It's something special. (Pause) Pleeeeaassssseee!

CRICHTON

Okay, okay!

AERYN

Oh, John, I really don't think -

CRICHTON

No, it's all right. (Laughs) I'm game. Ready, Pip.

(Crichton closes his eyes. Chiana rummages through the box, seeking out the best one. The others peek into the box but are perplexed. They don't have the foggiest notion what the items are. Chiana gets behind Crichton and raises the gift like a laurel being placed on a Roman emperor - the gift of a ... TOUPEE. She sits it gingerly on his head.)

CHIANA (Holding a mirror for Crichton)

Well, how ya like it?

(Crichton looks stunned.)

CRICHTON

You gave me a wig? A toupee?

CHIANA

No, it's a Roddenberry.

CRICHTON

You gave me a rug? A Howard Cosell sun visor? (To Aeryn) You assured me I wasn't getting a bald spot! That I was just suffering space stress!

AERYN

For the umpteenth time, you're not losing your hair! And if you are, so what?

CHIANA

What's a tup-pa-pee? This is a furry hat.

CRICHTON

Guys don't usually like these "presents". It's a sign of big beer bellies and tons of junk e-mail about enlarging your Mister Johnson. It's (pause) g'arrrrrgghh!

(Crichton becomes woozy, grabs his head and stumbles a bit.)

D'ARGO

What's wrong?

AERYN

Are you suffering from post-neutralization?

CRICHTON

I - I don't know. Feel - funny! I feel - I - feel ...

CHIANA

It's not the hat, is it? I mean, I'm sorry you're disappointed but, hey, don't explode over it.

CRICHTON

I feel we need to EXPLORE new worlds! To boldly go where NO man has GONE before!

AERYN, D'ARGO, ET AL.

Huh?!?

(Crichton shakes his head in pain, as if resisting a horrible, powerful force.)

CRICHTON (To D'Argo)

Help me, D'Arg-D'Arg ... Sp-Sp-Spock!

D'ARGO

Spuk? What the frell is Spuk?

CRICHTON (To Stark)

Lt. Uhura, call Starfleet command! There's something terribly wrong here. Spock is - not - himself!

STARK

I'm not in the military. (Touches his mask) I have a deferment.

CRICHTON

And might I add, lieutenant, that you look mighty lovely tonight. The miniskirt uniform suits your gams!

(Crichton/Kirk advances on Stark. Stark screams like a girly-girl and jumps away.)

STARK

You're gay! I'm straight! You're gay! I'm straight! You're gay! I'm straight!

CRICHTON

Well, of course I'm happy.

AERYN

Lt. Uh-hah-hah ... Is that that Peacekeeper spy bitch you frelled on that Sebacean colony?

STARK

Wait! This, this seems bizarrely familiar. What is it? It's, it's - oh, for the love of Zhaan!

(Stark rummages through the tapes. He picks up a tape of "Star Trek.")

STARK (CONT.)

He's been Shatnered! His life force has been possessed by that creature on the "Star Fleck" I was watching -

AERYN (To D'Argo and Chiana)

What the frell is he gabbing about?

STARK

Beware the Priceline show! Beware the Shatner!

CRICHTON (To Aeryn)

Bones, what - is - WRONG with you?

AERYN

Me? What's happened to -

(Light-bulb-flashing-above-the-head time for Aeryn, who turns to Chiana.)

AERYN

A hat! Sure, and you're a Gazathian virgin priestess.

CHIANA

Uh - I-I-I don't know what's -

D'ARGO

Where are the others, Chiana?

CHIANA

They're - they're right here. Look!

(Chiana reaches into the box. She screams. She pulls out her hand and several toupees are attached to it.)

CHIANA

Get 'em off! Get 'em off me!

(D'Argo scrapes them off Chiana and throws them in the box. Chiana seals the box.)

CRICHTON

Spock! Bones! (To Chiana) Sulu! Stop horsing around. We - NEED - to defeat the Klingons! You - NEED - to - listen to me! I'm the captain!

D'ARGO

Frell that! I'M the captain!

CRICHTON

Spock! You're my science officer! You're a VULCAN! Yours is a species blessed with an amazing command of logic, but you Vulcans lack that essential ingredient needed for being a Star Fleet commander: A sexy man-heat that OOZES out of every pore of someone like me, James T. Kirk!

D'ARGO

Something's going to ooze out of your pores - blood!

(D'Argo lunges at Crichton but Aeryn stops him.)

AERYN

D'Argo, that's still Crichton. Let me take care of this.

(Aeryn tries to remove the toupee but falls back after touching it, disgusted. D'Argo grabs her.)

D'ARGO

You all right? What did it do to you?

AERYN

Yes, I'm okay! It's just that thing is so artificial, yet incredibly greasy. Ugh!

(A frustrated Aeryn points her pulse pistol at the box.)

D'ARGO

No, don't. The grease, the plastic. It all might explode and kill us. We've gotta use our heads.

(So D'Argo skewers the box with his Qualta Blade. Critter-shrieks erupt from the box.)

CRICHTON

You Luxan bastard!! You - KILLED - my hair!

AERYN

Crichton, you said Luxan. Can you hear me?

CRICHTON

Aeryn, I - I - argh! I can't resist the Kirk! Help! Arrrgh! T-t-trout!

AERYN

What?

CRICHTON

Trout! Th-th-thwack! Trout! Th-thwack ... with ... t-t-trout ... me! Me! Fall ... toupee! Ugh!

AERYN

Trout? (Pause) Trout! Yes, of course. Stark!

(Aeryn rushes over to Stark and whispers in his ear. His eyes brighten.)

STARK

Good idea! It may save Crichton and us. Yes, good idea!

AERYN

Go! Go!

(Stark exits. Aeryn gently holds Crichton's face. She avoids the toupee.)

AERYN

John, I know you can beat this strange, horrible thing. We've been in too many battles and survived too many tragedies to lose now. You're going to be a father soon. You're going to finally be happy, with me. You can defeat this. You can. And remember, I love you!

CRICHTON

Bones! You're a MAN and a DOCTOR, dammit! A man-doctor!

AERYN

Oh, dren!

PILOT (O.S.)

Captain Ka D'Argo! Emergency!

D'ARGO

What is it, Pilot?

PILOT (O.S.)

That mystery ship - Moya's readings now show it to be a Peacekeeper Prowler. It's approaching - quickly.

D'ARGO

Pilot, forget the repairs. Starburst immediately!

PILOT (O.S.)

Yes, initiating Star-argggh! Uggh!

D'ARGO

Pilot!

PILOT (O.S.)

I'm - something's wrong - I'm - I'm not Pilot - I'm - Scott here, capt'n! Ya need to go into warp speed? Wait! Faith, this ain't the Engine Room! Aaaah! What are all these crab claws! Oh, I need a good scotch right now!

D'ARGO

Warp what?!?

AERYN

Claws? Scotch? What the - oh, ummmm, Chiana?

CHIANA

Oh, frell, frell, frell, frell! He musta just put on the toupee I gave him.

PILOT (O.S.)

Capt'n! Oh, capt'n, my capt'n!

D'ARGO & CRICHTON (IN UNISON)

Yes?

PILOT (O.S.)

Someone's boarded from the alien vessel.

CRICHTON

Romulans? Klingons? (Wishfully) Women?

GRAYZA (O.S.)

Sebacean Peacekeeper, Crichton! You are all under arrest!

(GRAYZA enters, points a pulse pistol at everyone. They all raise their hands except Crichton, who ogles Grayza's cleavage. Note: Actress is wearing balloons under blouse to simulate cleavage. He saunters over to her.)

CRICHTON

I'm sure we can come to a mutual understanding.

GRAYZA

That's not going to work this time, Crichton. Give me the wormhole technology!

CRICHTON

Oh course I'll give it to you.

AERYN

No, John! No!

(Crichton and Grayza go into a lip-lock embrace. Once done, Grayza acts happily disoriented and Crichton brandishes her pulse pistol. Stark enters, carrying a giant trout pillow.)

CRICHTON

Heh-heh-heh! I've - STILL - got it!

(Stark sneaks up behind Crichton and begins hitting him with it.)

STARK

In the name of Zhaan, I compel thee to leave! (Thwack!)

(Crichton goes boom! The toupee falls off. The gun skitters over to Grayza, who has regained composure. She grabs the weapon.)

CRICHTON

Whew! Oh, man! (To Stark) Thanks for the exorcism, Father Merrin. That trout did the trick. And I - (sees Grayza) oh, hell! The boobsie twins are back.

GRAYZA

Yes! And I'm back in control. Now, Crichton, give me worm-

TRADER (O.S.)

No so fast, commandant!

(The hooded Trader enters and extends a hand. Grayza and the others are paralyzed by a Scarran heat wave!)

GRAYZA

Dren! I'm always interrupted! And by a Scarran spy! Who are you?

TRADER

Oh, you've all met me before. You see, I'm not really a trader. I'm really ...

(The Trader pulls down the hood to reveal MINISTER AKHNA.)

AKHNA

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Aren't you all very glad to see me? My dear Crichton, you should be especially pleased.

CRICHTON

Oh, yeah! Need you like incurable VD. (To himself) Man, I'm so weak. And, oh God, I remember every Shatner moment.

CHIANA (To Akhna)

Bitch! You -

AKHNA

That's Minister Bitch, you sorry trelk!

CHIANA

You tricked me! You gave me those toupees -

AKHNA

So you'd give them to the crew and incapacitate them for me. Unfortunately, you gave them only to Crichton and Pilot, but that will do.

CRICHTON

Come on, Minister Bitch, don't be a spoilsport. Hell, just because we destroyed Katratzi, you want revenge. Revenge is for losers. And we keep proving you're a loser!

AKHNA

Yes, Scarrans and Peacekeepers never seem a match for you, but fortunately for me, I'm something you cannot beat! You see, I'm not really Minister Akhna. I'm really -

CRICHTON

Who? Halle Berry in that soda commercial?

AKHNA (CONT.)

Hah! No! I am -

(She turns her back to the audience and faces the crew. She removes her Scarran hat. Long black hair tumbles over her shoulders. Everybody gasps in horror.)

CRICHTON

Mother of God!

CHIANA

No! It can't be!

D'ARGO

This is NOT possible!

STARK

May the loving gods of Froonium protect us! The unspeakable legends are true! It's real. It shouldn't be, but it's real! It's the ultimate ancient evil. This unholy creature, this vile monstrosity, this ...

AERYN

Enough with the frelling purple prose! Let's say its name together, okay? One, two, three! It's ...

ALL (IN UNISON)

Shannen Doherty!

(SHANNEN DOHERTY turns to the audience with a wicked smile.)

DOHERTY

Laugh it up. You could be next!

STARK

Oh, the horror!

CRICHTON

Hold on! Hey, this is lousy Scare Craptics, right? (Laughs) That's it. Come on out Sikozu! Scorpy! You've had your sick and evil joke! Right? (Pause) No?

(Doherty shakes her head.)

CRICHTON

But why are you doing this?

DOHERTY

I need more staff for my fantastic show. Actually, I need gofers. You know, take care of my laundry, cut and paint my toenails, set up appointments, drive me to my scheduled catfights. I don't need you on my show. I've got "enough" second-rate actors and hack writers for that.

GRAYZA

You monster! I'm a Peacekeeper commander. You can't -

DOHERTY

Oh, I forgot. Let me take care of those - (Doherty uses her Shannen-Scarran heat wave to pop Grayza's balloon cleavage. Grayza looks at her flat chest, cries and exits.) So, the rest of you will be my gofers in Hollywood, except for D'Argo -

D'ARGO

Me?

DOHERTY

Yes, you'll be my toy boy! Or toy alien squid boy!

(D'Argo gives out a hyperscream and tries to strike her, but Doherty uses her Shannen-Scarran heat wave to hold him still.)

DOHERTY

I've heard what you can do with THAT tongue, right Chiana?

CHIANA

No! Not that! Don't take the tongue! D'Argo!

D'ARGO (To Chiana)

Stay back! Protect yourself!

(To Aeryn)

As a fellow warrior, please, kill me!

AERYN

I can't! Pulse pistol won't work. I'm too weak from that last heat wave.

DOHERTY (To D'Argo)

Come give me some sugar, big boy!

(The scene freezes. The stage goes black except for a spotlight on Crichton, who is on his knees.)

HARVEY (O.S.)

You must solve this crisis logically.

CRICHTON

Oh, brother!

(HARVEY enters. He's wearing his Scorpius headgear and some additional features: A Star Fleet Command shirt and Vulcan ears.)

HARVEY

You must use your head to save your crew and yourself.

CRICHTON

It's Sporkius! You look goofy with those ears.

HARVEY (In full Spock mode)

Fascinating. If you are to defeat this creature, you will need to analyze her weaknesses and estimate -

CRICHTON

Cut the Trek crap! What are ya gonna do next? A Vulcan mind probe on me?

HARVEY (In Scorpius mode)

I don't need to, John. You summoned me to bluntly tell you what you already know you must do. That "special" cover of "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" ...

CRICHTON

No way! It's too terrible a weapon to use. It might kill Aeryn and my friends.

HARVEY

Then you'll end up the living dead: Gofers for a hot-tempered hacktress! And what of your child? He could suffer a more horrible fate. He could become ... an executive at the Sci-Fi Channel.

(Crichton screams in agony.)

CRICHTON

Okay! Okay! I'll do it! I must for everybody's sake.

HARVEY

You'll survive. And I'll survive. And remember what Spock always says (raises his hand in the Vulcan salute): "Live long and prosper!"

CRICHTON

And remember what I said to Scorpius once (raises his hand in a Boy Scout-type sign): "Read the middle finger!"

(Harvey growls and exits. The lights come back on and the scene resumes. Crichton grabs the toupee and starts tearing it into pieces.)

CRICHTON

Stark, Aeryn, Chiana. Come here.

(He hands out pieces to Chiana and Aeryn. They reluctantly take them.)

CHIANA

Ick! What do ya want us to do with these?

CRICHTON

Put them on.

AERYN

What?!?

CRICHTON

Trust me! Look, we've got to fight this "charmed" bad-ass with a badder bad-ass. Put them on and you'll know what to do. Stark, keep the trout ready. You'll know when to save us from the Shatnering.

(Crichton, Aeryn and Chiana don the toupee pieces and start acting Kirky. Doherty caresses D'Argo.)

DOHERTY

Don't squirm so much. Save that for the bed.

D'ARGO

Oh, mommy! Help!

(Doherty is about to plant a big wet one on D'Argo's lips when Crichton/Kirk stops her.)

CRICHTON

Leave that poor, pitiful creature alone or I'll -

DOHERTY

Or you'll what?

CRICHTON (To Aeryn and Chiana)

Girls, hit it!

(Really cheesy music begins. Aeryn and Chiana sing an intro refrain to "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds," then Crichton starts his Shatner version.)

CRICHTON

"Picture yourself in a boat on a river with tangerine trees

"And marmalade skies."

(Doherty reacts in pain and puts her hands over her ears to no avail.)

CRICHTON (CONT.)

"Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly, a girl with

"Kaleidoscope eyes."

DOHERTY

Make it stop! Stop the insanity!

CRICHTON (CONT.)

" ... Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she's GONE."

(Aeryn and Chiana repeat the refrain, and that proves too much for Doherty.)

DOHERTY

I can't take it anymore! No mas! No mas! Take me back, Aaron Spelling! Take me back!

(Doherty flees.)

CRICHTON

Wait! Tell Mr. Spelling I have a great idea for a series. "T.J. Hooker: Retirement Home Security Guard"! Prime time!

(Stark smacks Crichton, Aeryn and Chiana with the trout. The hairpieces fall off.)

CHIANA

Wow! That was the scariest bad guy we've ever faced.

CRICHTON

You're telling me! Oh, and thanks for a great birthday gift. I'll remember this one.

(Chiana grimaces in embarrassment.)

D'ARGO

Thanks, everyone. I was facing the ultimate torture.

AERYN (To Crichton)

How did you figure out this singing would defeat her?

CRICHTON

I've heard Shatner's cover of the "Lucy" song and seen his Priceline commercials. The Aurora Chair is a comfy hammock compared to his singing.

D'ARGO

Let's get the frell out of here. Pilot! (Pause) Pilot?

PILOT (O.S.)

(In Scottish brogue)

"I don't want anybody else"

"When I think about you"

"I touch myself."

"I don't want anybody else"

"Oh no, oh no, oh no."

D'ARGO

Oh, nooooooooooooooo! Pilot?

PILOT (O.S.)

It's Scotty, capt'n.

D'ARGO

What are you doing?

PILOT (O.S.)

I'm singing a folk song from my planet and, oh, some other things, too! Woo-hooo! Capt'n, I've found new uses for these claws.

AERYN (To Crichton)

That is soooo wrong!

CRICHTON

Scotty Pilot has entered the Seinfeld Zone, where he is no longer master of his domain.

PILOT (O.S.)

Aye, me haggis is really in the fire. And capt'n, the clamshell is working. Let me turn on my visual ...

(Aeryn and D'Argo destroy the clamshell screen with their bare hands in seconds.)

D'ARGO

Oops! The clamshell here is busted again. Better get it replaced.

PILOT (O.S.)

"Ooooh, when I think about you I touch myself!" Huh? Oh, okay capt'n. I'll get these little bots to repair it.

D'ARGO

Yes, go back to your, um, operations. Bye!

CRICHTON

Uh, Chiana?

CHIANA

Uh, yeah?

CRICHTON

Y'know, I've been missing my "Divinyls" CD, the one with that song Pilot was just singing, and since it's so suggestive and all, I was wondering ...

CHIANA

Just because a song's dealing with sex doesn't mean I - doesn't mean I ... (Starts laughing) I can't keep a straight face. Yeah, I snurched it and loaned it to Pilot. Thought he could find it useful.

CRICHTON

Yeah, sort of a ...

AERYN

Handy song!

CRICHTON

You stole my tacky punchline!

AERYN

You stole my heart. Have I complained?

(Chiana takes the trout from Stark.)

CHIANA

I better pay a visit to Pilot. (To D'Argo) Hey, wanna tag along?

D'ARGO

I am not stepping in Pilot's chamber!

CHIANA

Wait outside then. But after I trout Pilot, I may like to do a little spawning.

(She pulls from a pocket the lingerie and sensuously glides it over her body.)

D'ARGO

Oh, yessssssssssssssss!

(D'Argo and Chiana exit.)

CHIANA (O.S.)

And these are stretchable, too, so they'll be easier for you to dance around in.

D'ARGO (O.S.)

Ummmmmmmm, kemperlicious!

AERYN

Uh, well, I better pick up Noranti and Rygel.

CRICHTON

I've finally figured out what I'm - what we're gonna do.

AERYN

Oh, really? You mean you're going to end this midlife crisis? No more wishing for someone else's life? No more hair worries? No more vague Earth cultural references?

CRICHTON

Can't give up the Earthcentric comments, darling. But as for the rest: Yep! Got an idea for you, me, everybody.

STARK

What? What? What?

CRICHTON

We're going to Starburst to Paradise. Where Scarrans and Peacekeepers and other baddies won't bother us. Where we'll be treated like kings and queens.

AERYN

And where is this wonderful place? Wait, first, who told you about it?

CRICHTON

Captain Kirk told me. No, hear me out. It's all legit! It's a place called Planet Convention. It's completely populated by a species called "Fans". These Fans will do anything for us and will PAY us anything to make us feel good. Ah, life's sweet there.

STARK

Let's go! Now! (Stark begins to skip but stops in front of the discarded toupee pieces.) What do we do about this?

CRICHTON

Well, it's caused a lot of trouble, but it did save us.

AERYN

Yes, we should repay it somehow.

STARK

Agreed. Something that Zhaan would approve of.

ALL (IN UNISON)

Of course!

(Crichton, Aeryn and Stark stomp, stomp, stomp with glee the toupee, laughing and whooping with delight.)

CRICHTON

Now THIS is a fun birthday present!

THE END