Variation II

Author: levolor
Rating: PG or PG-13? Some language and suggestiveness. Nothing that isn't  on the show.
Spoilers: Season 3
Notes: This is my first Farscape Fic. I've only watched the show for about a year. I'm certainly no expert on the technical stuff on Moya. I'm lame- forgive my ignorance. Also, I started this before Infinite Possibilities, Pt.2, so everything's *way* off. When I did see Fractures, I added some similar scenarios into it.
Feedback: Good, bad or other: paper_hearts@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: What do you think? Definitely not my characters.

The halls gently rumbled as Talyn moved swiftly through space.

A thick cloud of melancholy hung in the air. It was obvious that everyone felt awkward, yet no one decided to speak of it. It wouldn't matter much now. Soon they would be back on Moya, and then a new wave of hostility would set in.

Stark paced the bridge of Talyn, clenching and unclenching his hands.

"What to do, what to do. Death, more death." he whispered. "So many tortured souls. Crichton and Zhaan, Crichton and Zhaan, Crichton and Zhaan..."

The door opened and Rygel floated in.

"...and Zhaan, Crichton and Zhaan..."

The small creature rolled his eyes and shook his head. He was mad- insane! His lot in life seemed to be driving everyone else insane as well.

"Will you frelling shut up. It's not doing any of us any good repeating his name over and over again. Especially the Sebacean."

Stark continued to stare off and quietly repeat 'Crichton and Zhaan', almost as if it was his new prayer.

Rygel shook his head once more, "Stupid yotz."

A few beeps echoed through the room and Crais joined them. He glanced towards Stark, and raised his eyebrow, hearing his mumbling.

"He's still on that?" he asked Rygel.

Rygel grumbled, "What do you think?"

Crais clasped his hands behind his back, "Just as long as he stays away from the pilot's seat, it doesn't bother me." He turned to Rygel. "No worries. We'll be docking with Moya in approximately two arns."

Rygel looked at Stark, "Let's hope he holds out until then."

"Meaning?" Crais asked.

"Meaning I don't kill him."

"Kill him and I'll return the favour." Aeryn said.

Rygel looked in her direction. "Merely a suggestion. And a good one at that. I'd be doing us all a favour."

"As would I." she said.

Rygel floated away from them, "You're just upset because there's no one here to frell you." Crais winced. He knew that was a hard blow. If Stark didn't drive him crazy, the tension between everyone else would.

"Rygel, that's quite enough."

He looked at him, "Should I pity her? For what? She's got another one just like him waiting for her back on Moya. If anything we should've cloned him several more times just so we all get our chance to kill him off."

"Rygel." Crais warned.

Aeryn stared at him with a stoic expression. She didn't dare blink for fear that a tear might escape. She hoped her exterior features were intimidating enough. Maybe he had felt something when John had passed. But most likely it had been an act. And she had almost bought it- almost. Now she knew for certain that he was incapable of being sincere.

"What?" he asked Crais. "You're going to tell me you haven't thought if it? You of all people should be relieved."

"Rygel." Crais said raising his voice this time.

Aeryn watched him still. Ironically, she smiled.

"It's quite all right. Let him tell us what's on his mind. Let him tell us words that only make himself feel better. His day will come." She took a step towards him. "His day will come, lying on his death bed, horse and scared, unable to cry for help. Not that anyone would listen. For they know he's destined to die alone. Lonely, bitter and miserable." She took another step towards him placing her hand on her weapon. Rygel's eyes widened.

"Unloved. Alone."

Stark had stopped by this time, when he heard her speak. Such words of hatred on both their parts. Such hatred. He closed his eyes and turned away.

Crais placed his arms out to the side, "You've all had your say about this. I think it's best to return to quarters until we reach Moya. That will save us all from witnessing anymore tragedy."

Aeryn gave Rygel one last icy stare, and walked away.

--

Chiana met up with John in the hallway.

"Got a microt?" she asked, knowing full well his plans.

"None to spare." he said.

She nodded, "Wouldn't be anxious to see someone, would you?"

"Have I ever told you how witty you are?" he asked, a smile starting to form at the corners of his mouth.

"I believe you have." she answered with a smile. "So, would you miss me if I was gone?"

He glanced at her and threw his arm around her shoulders, "You know I would."

Chiana leaned her head on his shoulder, "Thanks."

--

Aeryn looked around the room. Angry tears fell unexpectedly. She kicked away the nearest object in her path, which happened to be Crichton's shoe. With a defeated sigh, she threw herself down on the bed. Just as soon as the tears had come, they stopped. She buried her head in the sheets and shut her eyes tightly.

--

He sits in a chair wearing his usual attire and a curious expression. The room is red, and I think we're some place on Talyn. I walk over to him and cross my arms.

"Hello." he says.

"Hello."

"You are?" he asks, shifting slightly.

I laugh. Very funny, John. His features show no amusement. He's serious.

And I stop.

Who am I? I am Aeryn Sun. I'm a Peacekeeper, or at least I used to be. I don't know who I am anymore. Am I the same now that you're gone? Will I be the same as before you were here? Am I anything without you? I want to ask him this.

But, "Aeryn, John." Is all I say.

I want to ask him more. What am I? What is left?

I want to scream at him, he needs to know.

Crais wants me. Stark follows me. They want to take care of me, I want to scream. They smother me, John, and I only want you.

"You know me?" he asks, standing.

If you only knew. "Very much." I answer quietly.

"Very much?" he asks, taking a step towards me. It's more of a statement really.

I nod.

"And?"

"And what? I ask. He steps closer and walks around me.

"Aeryn." He says, and I close my eyes, listening to the sound of my name on his lips. He stops behind me, his hand brushing my shoulder. His breath is on my neck. I think I should be scared, though I don't know why.

And then he whispers.

"Aeryn Sun."

My eyes close tighter.

"Gotchya." he says. He quickly turns me towards him and crushes his mouth against mine.

"Frell you." I say between kisses. He only pulls me towards him harder. He picks me up and we sit in the chair together. His hands are on my face and in my hair and everywhere.

Among everything his whisper lingers.

"Aeryn Sun..."

-o-

One, two, three, turn. One, two, three, turn. Three, two, one, turn. Three, two, one, turn.

Turn...three. Two was always in between.

He shook his head. He didn't know what was worse- having a mental conversation with himself, or having one with Harvey.

John stopped pacing. He took the comment back and cursed himself for even considering it. He sighed and looked down. If he wasn't careful he was going to wear a hole in Moya walking back and forth.

What would he say? His heart raced just thinking about it. Then there was the other him. Though Jool had said otherwise, he knew he was the real one- maybe.

But the proof had been right in front of him. When did he decide to become a skeptic? He raised his eyebrows and started pacing once more. When the prospect came of losing a certain woman.

So he had to deal with Jr. There was also the minor possibility of her rejection. He shook the thoughts away. He wouldn't know anything until they got here.

"Pilot?"

"Yes Commander, half a microt less than when you asked before."

John winced slightly, hearing the annoyance in Pilot's voice. He knew everyone was anxious to have them back. He couldn't help but be a pain right now.

"Sorry." he said quietly and stood still. Not too much longer now. Instead of pacing this time, he playing with his hands and popped his knuckles. Okay, okay. She was back and all would be well.

Be optimistic.

'Hey there, I've missed you, let's have lots of children together.' Yeah. Not only would that earn him a death wish from her, but from the other one as well. Perhaps he could steal her away for a short hug. If she'd allow it...

His attention turned to a noise in the hangar bay. They were here.

Talyn's engines shut down, and the door opened. Here it was, the moment of truth. He couldn't help but smile.

Rygel was the first one out, followed by Stark.

"You know as much as I told myself I wouldn't miss you Sparky, I actually did." John told him. Rygel squinted at him, "Yes...well, there had better be enough food on board. I'm half starved. Just look at me. I'm practically wasting away."

John shook his head, wanting to laugh. Like that would ever happen, "You look good man." he said, and Rygel floated off.

He looked at Stark. He looked almost scared.

"Hello John Crichton." he said.

John nodded and held his hand out, "Stark, how have you been?"

Stark looked at his hand, and with drawled it as John tried to take it.

"Fine." Stark said looking away quickly.

John looked at him suspiciously. So this wasn't exactly the welcome back he imagined.

Crais walked out holding a bag. "Crichton." Was all he said. Nothing new there.

"Crais." John said. Three down two to go.

Then there was Aeryn.

He smiled as she walked over towards them.

"Aeryn."

Her features were set in stone. Even her eyes held no expression. "John." she said, and walked away.

His heart sank. That was definitely not how he pictured it.

He turned and looked at Crais and Stark, "What's going on here?"

Stark looked down and Crais sighed, "An unfortunate mishap. The other you- he's dead."

Crais handed him the bag and walked away.

John blinked and wondered if it was a dream. Stark glanced at him before going off in the opposite direction as Crais. John looked down at the bag and stormed off to his quarters.

So his assumptions had been correct. Rejection. It had been minor thought on his check list. His main concern had been the other him. He was going to have to compete. Now he was dead, and he still felt like he had to compete. But it was a losing battle.

He was defeated.

As much as he felt he should give up and let it go, he wasn't ready too just yet. There was no easy way to face this.

Poor Aeryn.

At least her mourning told him something. She did in fact love him. He thought about it- what if she had been copied? One of her stayed behind and the other had gone, and she had died. What would he do? Probably react in the same manner. Nothing was ever easy.

John sighed in frustration. His comm beeped.

"Yeah Pilot?"

"Commander, your assistance is required on Tier eight. Moya has seemed to have overheated a cable, and it needs to be repaired from inside the conduit."

"Now's not a good time, Pilot, get some one else."

"I'd rather have you fix it if you don't mind." he said.

"Well I mind." John said shortly.

Pilot sighed, "If you so choose."

John shook his head and looked at the bag that Crais had given to him. Suddenly curious, he unzipped it and started to go through the things. Oddly enough, a brief tinge of sadness passed through him as he did. How had he died? Did he suffer? Did she even get to say goodbye? He dug deeper into the bag found his pulse pistol. His beloved Wynonna. It was strange how people became attached to inanimate objects. He pulled his other gun out of the holster and threw it on the bed. He looked over Wynonna a few times before placing it back on his thigh. Not much else remained. A few sets of clothes, the pistol and his journal. He sat down on the bed and opened it cautiously.

What are you doing? He thought. He acted like he was about to read his sister's diary. It was his, there was nothing to be ashamed about. Yet somehow he couldn't do it. He sighed and threw it across the room. More than likely he had documented everything that had taken place while they were gone. If something was written in there about him and Aeryn, he didn't want to read it. He rubbed his eyes and sat there for a moment. He wanted answers. He wanted to know what happened.

Time to take a walk. There were no excuses for being rude to Pilot. He decided to go see what other trouble he could get into.

Problem on Tier eight. It was probably a little late now, but it couldn't hurt to go check it out anyway. Half way there, he realized he was being followed by a DRD. He stopped and looked down at it.

"Nice to know not everyone is ignoring me. Even if you can't talk back."

The DRD squeaked at him and flashed its lights. John wondered if the machine was agreeing or disagreeing with him. He shook his head and continued on his way, all the while the DRD following him. He reached Tier eight and noticed that the grate had been moved aside. Pilot had probably suckered Chiana into doing it. He started to crawl inside, but the DRD started chirping at him.

"What's your problem? I'm trying to help." he said.

The DRD flashed its lights off and on, chirping more. "Yeah? Well so's your mother."

He crawled inside.

"Hey there hon, need a hand?"

He was shocked- though he shouldn't have been- at who was there.

Aeryn looked up at him, said nothing and went back to work.

"Sorry." he said cautiously. "I uh, thought maybe it was Chi in here, I didn't mean..."

Aeryn put down a tool and picked another up. It was no use in trying to explain anything. She wouldn't listen. He just came off as a bigger idiot to her, stammering over his words like that. John nodded to himself and watched her a few seconds longer.

"Um, I heard what happened- to the other one," he said quietly. "I-" he stopped and sighed. "Aeryn, I'm sorry.

Aeryn reached for something else and snipped a wire off.

"No talking." he said. "Right, I forgot that rule. Yeah, so what did the fish say when it hit the wall?"

She blew on the wire and started to reassemble what she had taken apart.

"Dam." he finished. "Damn." He looked away from her. "We should have these little heart-to-hearts more often." That said, he left her to work.

Once he was gone Aeryn slammed her tools down.

John exited the conduit and saw the DRD there. He reached down and picked it up. "You set me up."

The DRD flashed its lights twice.

"You tried to warn me?" he asked. A few chirps and two flashes.

"I know I never listen. Next time have Pilot warn me." he said. He placed the DRD back down and it sailed off away from him, probably spouting off obscenities in it's computer language.

Okay, so no one wanted to talk to him. Aeryn especially. He even had the DRD's mad at him. He needed a beer. Fat chance finding any of that. It was too early to sleep. But it seemed like the only good option right now.

He entered his room and threw the bag off the bed. He should've gone. Then the other one would have Aeryn on his bad side, and he would have died a happy man in the arms of his love. He plopped down and put his pillow over his head. He felt like screaming, but that would require too much energy. He closed his eyes thinking of ways to right the wrong. Before he knew it, he was asleep.

--

"John Crichton."

I turn around and see Scorpius-or Harvey I'm not sure yet. I panic, that was supposed to be over and done with.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I say as I turn on my back. We're in my quarters on Moya. Scorpius sits in a chair across from my bed. I grab my pillow and crush it against my face.

"Oh God. Please let this be a dream." I mumble in frustration. I shut my eyes tighter and pull the pillow away. He's still here.

I close my eyes again, and sit up this time. "When I open them you had better be gone."

I open one eye. He's still here.

"Damnit." I say and run my fingers through my hair, "So which one are you? The real one or the wanna be?"

Harvey or Scorpius shrugs, "You tell me John, this is your dream."

I stand up, "It's my dream? This isn't real?" I slap my hand. "No pain." I do it again. "Yes!" I jump up and smile. I point my fingers at my visitor, "That means you're gone, who ever the hell you are. For once you're not real, which means I do have some of my sanity left."

"So who am I?" he asks.

"Harvey- he was semi decent. What am I saying?" I ask touching my head.

"Well then. Yes John, you are sane- I think that's what scares us all." says Harvey. I shake my head, "I'm dreaming. Wake up John, wake up from this frelling nightmare. He's gone, so wake up."

It isn't working.

"So what do you want?" I ask Harvey.

"Again, this is your dream, you tell me."

"If it's my dream, how the hell did you end up here, and why can't I wake up?" I ask coming to stand in front of him.

Harvey stands up and walks towards the corner.

"That is also a good question. Do you have something on your mind, John?"

"Not a damn thing that concerns you." I answer.

Harvey nods. "I see."

I'm shaking my head and knocking it to the side, "Wake up."

"Nothing bothering you at all?" asks Harvey.

I start shaking my hands. "The only thing bothering me is you being in my dream."

"Not exactly the turn of events you had expected?" Harvey asks continuing to stare at the wall.

"Huh?" I ask still trying to stir my conscious sleeping form awake. "Oh yeah." More shaking.

"You must admit, my advice wasn't bad all the time, now was it?" Harvey asks.

"Oh sure. Yeah man, whatever you say. Wake up John."

"It has come to my attention John, that Officer Sun needs her space in this time of mourning. As you can imagine the shock of burying one of you then returning to find another one alive and kicking."

"Boy nothing gets past you. Wake up." I say tapping my chest. "And the only kicking I'd worry about is my foot connecting with your ass, now wake up!"

Harvey turns to me, "Consider this John. You've just lost a loved one. Let's say, oh whom shall we choose- your father."

I stop now and look at him.

"Now, you're surrounded by people who care for you and are concerned with what you're going through. You're constantly being told 'I'm sorry' and 'Let's talk'. But you don't want to talk. You don't want their sympathy, after all they don't know your pain, yet they're pretending to think they do. How would you respond?"

I look at him and calmly whisper, "I want to wake up. I don't know how you got here, but I want you gone, and I want my eyes to open. I want to be in my room, on Moya. Okay? That's all I want."

Harvey nods. "You're sure about that?"

I stare at him, "Out of my dreams."

Harvey walks towards me, "Of course. But remember, it is your dream."

I blink and Harvey's gone. A fog type substance surrounds me briefly, and I'm transported out of my room.

She stands with her back towards me. We're in a cell somewhere on Moya- there's a window in the corner, and she's watching the sky. It's a secluded place. I happen to know this is not a heavy traffic area. This must be the place she comes to, to think, to muse over life or whatever.

It's alluring in a way. Very quiet, save for the gentle sounds of the ship. It's makes me feel so serene. That's probably why she comes here.

To escape the universe. To escape me.

I look at the floor and sigh. It doesn't go unnoticed, and she turns.

Her beautiful hair is free, and it falls against her shoulders in loose waves. She wears a brownish coloured dress that scoops low, exposing a nice amount of her neck. It falls to her ankles, but it's ripped up to her thigh and torn in other places as well. She looks so fragile.

"Hi." I say tentatively. She merely glances at me and turns back around, once more casting me away. As much as I should be used to it, it still pierces me every time. I take a shallow breath and walk towards her. I look over at her and fight the urge to brush her hair away from her face.

"Tag you're it." I say quietly. No smile. She's not impressed.

"What did you honestly expect, John?" she asks. She sounds so calm. Almost too calm, and I briefly consider running away. I'm staring at the floor, "I wish I knew."

She nods slightly.

"If you don't know, what am I supposed to do?" she asks.

I shake my head, "I don't know the answer to that one either." Ring around the rosy...

"I-" she hesitates, "I watched you die."

I look at her and she closes her eyes. She brings her hands up and stares at them, "You were lifeless in my arms."

The tone of her voice pulls at my heart. The sounds of a person who feels exhausted and defeated- like there's no more anger or sorrow to give. All that remains is just to feel. And right now, all I think she feels is empty.

"I'm sorry." I say after a moment of silence. I think she acknowledged it because she turns to me now.

"This isn't easy. My actions towards you are unnecessary, but I don't know what else to do. I don't think I'm able to react any other way." she tells me.

So her rejection is a minor side effect that shouldn't last too long...got it. Maybe.

"I just don't know anymore." she says and turns away again.

I want to cry. I'm so envious of him right now, that I can barely breath. Ironically enough, he's dead. And I wanted to go. Then it would be a reversed situation. I'm all of a sudden shaky as I bring my hands up to rub my eyes.

If I could only tell her.

I want to hold you. You know I've missed you. God, I hope you know I need you. Will you ever know how much I love you?

"I-"

And I almost say it.

Not a problem. I'm sure she'd just ignore that too. Okay that's bitter.

I sigh.

"I'll leave you alone then."

I start to walk away and she turns. "I don't want to be alone."

I stop, still not facing her. Is this the part where she runs and kisses me? Very wishful thinking.

"John." she says to me, her fingers touching my hand. "I need time."

As I go to grip her hand, she pulls away and turns back.

My eyes are closed. "We have all the time in the world." I whisper.

--

John sat up in bed. He looked at his surroundings in confusion. The clothes were still strewn across the bed, and his journal still remained on the floor. There was no chair sitting across from his bed. He sighed in relief.

Some dream. Harvey and Aeryn in one. Oddly enough the only corrupting Harvey had done was state the truth. Imagine that. Now he was sure his sanity was gone. He rubbed his eyes and lay back against the bed.

-o-

"Hey you."

I turn and see John walking towards my bed

I'm sitting here in what he calls 'Indian' style- it's one of those weird human things of his. I believe it's just as easy to say crossing your legs. He's smiling at me, and I'm smiling lightly too, as he comes to sit on the edge of the bed.

"It's late. Why are you still up?" he asks. "Waiting for me?"

"I'd wait forever." I say and he takes my hand.

"We never did finished what we started on Talyn." he says moving his hand up my arm.

"I know," I tell him, "I fell out of bed." I show him my elbow, "See my bruise?" His smile softens and he leans forward and kisses it. I watch him and move closer to him. He pulls me into his arms and nuzzles my neck. We lay down on the bed and he cradles me in his embrace. I wrap my arms around him, almost lying on top of him and he circles his arms around my waist. His hands play with my hair.

"You didn't have to leave me." I say. He kisses my forehead, "But I didn't."

"So why aren't you beside me now?" I ask.

He pulls back and takes my face in his hands. "I am."

My hands rest on his neck and I pull his face towards mine. He pushes me slightly on my back, propping himself up on his elbow. He rests the other hand against my hip.

"Why do you think I'd leave you?" he asks.

I touch his hair and watch his mouth. "Because you did."

He leans down and kisses me again, his lips lingering several microts longer than before. His hand moves behind my hip to the small of my back to pull me closer to him. I want to stay like this for eternity. I never knew I could possess these things I feel. I love him so much, yet I hate him for making me feel like nothing else in the universe will do but him. I hate that he has this force over me.

"Why John?" I ask as his hands slide up and down my back.

He laughs lightly, like it's the stupidest question. "Can't you see I'm here? I'm here, Aeryn, and I'm not going anywhere. We're the same." he says. He puts his hands on my face and stares at my eyes.

"Don't be afraid." He kisses me again. "Just let go."

I close my eyes feeling his breath on my face. His voice fades in my mind.

-o-

Aeryn opened her eyes abruptly. She stayed still for a moment before turning on her side. She hadn't gone to sleep that early, and dreams never really seemed as long as they were. Maybe an arn or two? She had fallen asleep in her clothes, and her pulse pistol was digging into her leg. Her stomach growled. She hadn't eaten in a while. As sick as it sounded, the emptiness had comforted her. She wished he would leave her dreams. It only made her long for him more.

Shaking her head, she stood and headed for the galley.

John sat at the table playing with the food cubes. He had been hungry after his talk with Harvey, but when he got here, he remembered why he had avoided dinner. He took a sip of water and ignored the gentle footsteps that were coming from down the hall. He yawned.

"I really wanna sleep- I do. But you know why I can't." he said to no one. For a moment he wanted cocoa. Warm cocoa to soothe his soul and make him sleepy enough to curl up into bed.

But alcohol would be more comforting. It would drown away the sorrows and leave him with a headache hours later. Yet he had neither.

Aeryn stopped before entering the galley. She peered around the corner to see if it was empty. Of course it wasn't. John was there. She didn't want to talk with him, but she also wasn't able to ignore the growling any longer. Weighing her dilemma her stomach won.

Taking a deep breath she slowly walked in. Her steps were short and careful.

His head was down, so either he didn't see her or he chose not to. She glanced briefly at him as she walked to get some water. Surely he had to have heard her by now. She opened the draw and pulled out a small cylindrical flask. She looked at him from the corner of her eye. Nothing. She none to gently shut the draw. She jumped slightly not expecting it to make that loud of a noise.

Still nothing. In a way this was good, right? He was finally accepting that she wanted space away from him. So why did she find herself pulling a chair out and sitting next to him?

She was close enough to feel the heat radiating from his body. He still kept his eyes glued to his food. This whole thing seemed like a game. Now that he actually took the hint to leave her alone, she wanted to talk.

She moved her chair away slightly and took a drink of her water. Movement. He pushed at his food cubes. Her brow creased as she watched him. There were three on his plate, and now he was stacking them. Once they were all on top of each other, he pushed them with his finger, and they tumbled down. Then he broke two in half and started again only to knock down his creation once more.

Aeryn took another drink and raised her eyebrow. She had to ask. "Why are you doing that?"

Whoa. She speaks. He resisted looking at her fully. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "More fun to play with than to eat." he said quietly.

She took another drink. Let go, he had told her just microts previous. Where do you start? He was right though.

John was definitely confused by her presence. He didn't want to say too much for fear of her departure. He played some more with his food.

"I am sorry." Aeryn said watching her hands. "I-" she sighed. "No excuses. I just think back on everything that's happened..."

She looked over at him. "We're always on the run. Never any rest."

He nodded still not looking at her. "No time for rest."

"But there should be. There should time to rest and time to heal." she said. "I haven't been able to heal. I have to take it a little at a time."

John now looked at her, "And I respect that."

She nodded, "I know you do." They both looked at the table and allowed each other a moment of silence. Aeryn sighed quietly. "There has to be time to heal, to start again."

John moved the cubes around more.

Aeryn turned to him and moved her chair closer to his. She closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. She held her hand out.

"My name...is Aeryn Sun. You are?"

John turned and stared at her in bewilderment. He looked at her hand and slowly extended his to hers. She watched as his hand touched hers cautiously. He gently curled his fingers around her own and gave it a slight squeeze.

"John."

Aeryn nodded. "John?"

He wanted to hug her for her effort. He smiled lightly instead. "Crichton. John Crichton."

They both released each other's hands at the same time.

Aeryn looked in his eyes momentarily. It was him.

-end-