What Fate Has Brought

Author: Baby Angel ( anjulhardesty@sbcglobal.net )
Rating: PG/PG-13 (Depends on how sensitive you are to a wee bit of language.)
Summary: This is my version of John’s innermost thoughts as he reflects of where his life has taken him. It could be considered a follow-up to my "final episode" story… but it also could stand on it’s own (as long as you assume everyone made it through the events of "Bad Timing").
Spoilers: Nothing specific… although there are vague references here and there to events from all four seasons.

I’m tired. So damned tired. My body aches. I can feel every wound, every scar I’ve ever gotten. All of them reminders of times I don’t want to think about. Thinking. That’s the worst part. The past, the present, the future – I don’t want to think about any of it. I just want to drift off to sleep. Beautiful, dreamless sleep. But, that’s not going to happen. Instead I find my wandering Moya’s endless, dark corridors.

Maybe this is home now. The quiet, dimly light corridors. The gentle hum of Moya as she floats through space. Whirling wheels of DRD’s peacefully going about their tasks. Fix this, clean that. Not bad lives… almost wish I were a DRD sometimes. I decide to follow one of the little guys for a bit. Peek into the life these little fellers. Something simple and routine to keep my mind off… well… everything.

I find myself in the maintenance bay. In the darkness I can still make out the lines of my module. It could use a bit of maintenance, maybe a good once over with 1812 and a team of DRD’s. I run my hand over its hull. D.K. and I had worked so damn hard on that thing. Farscape 1, the top-of-the-line, high-end technology, spacecraft designed by Earth’s best and brightest. The ship that would allow unimaginable advances in scientific thought and engineering. How the hell did that banged up mess of a ship ever make it out of Earth atmosphere, much less all way out here?

Fate… chaos… destiny… God’s plan… random events in a random universe. Doesn’t matter what the frell you call it. Life is more than the choices you make.

As a child, I looked out into the starry night and knew I had to learn more. I studied hard… physics… mathematics… astronomy. I was going to research old theories. Develop new ones. I was a scholar… a scientist… an astronaut. It all seemed so exiting then… and so blissfully dull now.

Dull. Now there’s a word I don’t get to use nearly often enough. I used to dream of what was "out there". I would wonder if there could be life forms on other planets. Now I wonder which of those life forms want to hunt me down. Torture me. Use me. Threaten me. Attack my friends… my home.

Home. That used to mean earth… the U.S. of A.… Florida. My parent’s house, where my buddies and me would hang out till we could find something more interesting to do. Harassing the hell out of a younger sister till she screams, "I’m telling mom!" God, I miss everyone – and everything – back on Earth. My family… my friends… the sights… the sun… the rain… the food. I really miss the food. Chocolate… hamburgers… pizza… a good, cold beer….

Okay, now I’m tired, restless, AND hungry. I make my way out of the maintenance bay and down another corridor in search of whatever passes for food in this neck of the universe. The light is already on when I get there. Three guesses who would be up this time of the night in the mess hall…

"Spanky, whatcha doing buddy?" I know he doesn’t hate all my nicknames for him as much as he wants everyone to think.

He looks me over carefully before pausing mid-bite to respond, "Multiple stomachs, multiple meals."

He dives back into his big bowl of whatever-hell-that-is. Looks like a purple-blue paste to me, but Spanky seems to like it. I figure who knows food better than his royal frogginess, so I fix a bowl for myself. Not bad. Kinda minty.

I think Rygel and I understand each other. I think we’ve actually become friends. He was once the ruler of his people and made decisions for an entire planet. People lived and died by his choices. I used to think he was just a small, green annoyance. Now… now he has my respect. Now I understand what it is to make tough choices.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the choices I’ve made. My decisions have affected so many more people than just me. I feel responsible for the consequences of my actions, but powerless to do anything about it. I feel responsible for Zhaan’s death… and for the pain it brought to my friends. Crais… Talyn… Gilina… God, I’ve watched a lot of people die. Some of them died at my own hands. I’ve shot people. I’ve destroyed entire ships. I build a nuclear bomb that blew up an entire Scarran base. Sometimes I don’t think I even know myself anymore. This is not the man I wanted to be.

I finish eating and wander off once more. God, I know these corridors like I know the back of my hand. Moya and Pilot… Pilot and Moya… more than a ship. They are friends, companions, allies.

The yellow flicker of candlelight plays across the corridor walls ahead. A quick peek into a nearby room confirms my suspicions. Stark is mumbling/chanting something I can’t understand – big surprise – as he mediates in Zhaan’s old quarters. I try not to interrupt him as I continue on. Whatever he’s doing, it seems to bring him peace…after all he’s seen and done, that’s the least he deserves.

From somewhere down the hall to my right I hear D’Argo’s deep, powerful voice resonating. I can’t make out the words, but the voice is unmistakable. Not a man you want to be on the bad side of – found that out the hard way when I first came onboard – but once you’ve proven yourself to him you could not ask for a better, more loyal friend. Next to his voice, Chiana’s sounds all the more feminine and flirty. I can hear her seductive giggles floating down the hall. I know better than to take another step in that direction. They obviously need their privacy. More importantly, I need them to need their privacy.

I wish them well. I really do. They seem to be good for each other… well, now that they’ve gotten past the whole Jothee/Chiana incident. I just don’t want to see either of them get hurt again. D’Argo is a good friend and Chiana… well… Chiana is Chiana. I can’t help but feel protective of her. Our relationship feels safe, and familiar. Maybe it’s because I need to be a protective big brother just as much as she needs one. She can be so immature sometimes, but her heart is in the right place. D’Argo and Chiana… together… really, really gross. Nothing like thoughts of your best buddy getting it on with your kid sister.

I pick another direction to do my wandering in and try to clear my mind. So damn much has changed. What bothers me the most are the changes I see in myself. I look back now and I can see how frellin’ naïve I was. So safe and secure back on Earth. Sometimes I think I want to go back in time. Never launch that damn module. Never know what a huge, dark, cold, deadly place the universe really is. Never know what it is to live far out in space. Never visit other planet. Or to be chased down by aliens. Little, green men my ass…

None of the critters I’ve seen are anything like I expected to find… and I’ve seen a lot of ‘em. So damn many. A lot of enemies… Scarrans… Peacekeepers… Grayza… Scorpius. Always gotta be on guard. Waiting to see who wants me dead this time… Never knowing who to trust… people like Crais. First he tries to kill me, then he and Talyn are destroyed trying to save us. Or Noranti, who seems safe enough… but who the hell knows what granny’s really up to. Or Sputnik… not exactly an enemy but I can’t trust her either. Sikozu has an agenda all her own. Or Jool. Yeah, she could be a royal pain in rear… but she and I really aren’t all that different. Cut off from our homes, our families. Forced to find a new life, a new home. I guess it’s the same for all us aboard Moya.

And then, here I am. Outside my own quarters again. (Yawn!) My brain’s still goin’ a mile a minute… but my body’s too tired to care. From the doorway I can hear her breathing peacefully, asleep in the bed we share. The radiant Aeryn Sun. I try to slip into bed without waking her, but the solder in her senses my presence.

"John," she calls out in the darkness.

"It’s just me, baby. Go back to sleep," I whisper softly to her. She snuggles up against me as I pull the blanket back around us. I brush a lock of raven hair from her face and kiss her forehead as she drift back to sleep.

God, how would I have made it if not for her? She is my guide, my inspiration, my comfort. The love of my life. The mother of my child. Somehow I can’t help but smile at that thought… our child. Aeryn’s belly is already becoming a bit rounder… I wonder how long a Sabacean-Human pregnancy lasts? I know this is one hell of a place to raise a little one, but… I can’t believe I’m saying this… this is home. This is my family. This ship, her pilot, her crew. We belong together. Whatever our pasts. Whatever that may mean for the future. This is where fate has lead me and this is where I am meant to be. This is home.

The End